The truth is that I am an Outsider
in many ways. I never decided to be who I am, I just am.
I am a woman which keeps me outside
this man’s world. I’m in it but not an official member. Well, it feels that way.
And being a feminist makes it even worse; some men are regarding me as the
enemy. Plus I have a master degree in chemistry which makes some men even fear
me.
But I don’t have children and I
don’t want any. I’m not turning into a babbling fool when I see a baby. So I’m
not invited to the club of “real” women, who are looking down on me like something
is wrong with me.
I am fat, which makes me a big
outsider when it comes to buy clothing. Getting nice clothes for big people is
so expensive and difficult in Germany, as if big people don’t even exist. And
of course the media makes me feel ugly and worthless just because some fashion
designer I never met decides there is too much of me on the planet. I really
don’t want to be a part of a community that reduces people simply to their
appearance. But I still like to be beautiful from the inside and the outside. Who
doesn’t?
I suffer from depression therefore
I’m outside the world of mentally healthy people. And I don’t like to talk to
other guys with depression, because they are too negative in my eyes.
No, that’s just a sad joke.
I’m an atheist and that makes some
religious people uncomfortable, although I rarely mentioning it or even discuss
it. They seem to pity me, as if something lacks inside me. In fact I’m pitting
them because I’m not afraid of the truth. They like to take my depression as
proof, that without god everyone’s life is sad and empty. But I am depressed
because society is giving me a hard time accepting myself as the freak that I
am and loving me for being me.
My sexuality is the toughest subject
to talk about. And this is why. I am Bisexual and a swinger, I like BDSM, I
like pain and I like being dominated. This makes me a pervert for most people
even in freethinking Europe. And some feminist may want to silence me, because in
their eyes I’m acting against their case by allowing men to whip me. And since
monogamy is not working for me even within the BDSM community I’m a little
different.
So I’m a special someone and it is
difficult to find people like me or even people who like me.
They might ask me why I had to take
it all, why I need to be more different than different. As if I could choose to
be less me.
There are actually some people who
really like me. Those who know and respect me find me nice and inspiring. I’m a
gentle person although I like it rough.
I’m still struggling through my life.
This struggle seems to define me. The struggle for the courage to say it out
loud: “There is nothing wrong with me! I’m exactly as I supposed to be! There
is nothing about me that needs to be fixed besides my low self-esteem and my
English skills perhaps.”
Well, a long journey starts with the first step.
So instead of screaming in public I just whisper inside this safe spot
incognito. But it’s a start, isn’t it.
Keine Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen